Tribute

Elizabeth Burton Redding, one of my best friends in college, died on Sunday night, from metastatic breast cancer.  I was out of town and off the grid, so I only learned of this tonight.  My family is sound asleep; I am sitting here on the couch, alone, overcome by grief and regret.

Elizabeth and I had lost touch over the years, but recently had reconnected via that much-maligned medium, Facebook.  As soon as she found me, she called and we talked for hours.  It was as if no time had passed at all.  We were shocked to learn that we had both just finished treatment for breast cancer.  The difference was that hers had, as she put it, "partied right on through to my lungs."  In my ignorance (and I really should have known better), I didn't understand, immediately, that that meant Elizabeth was Stage IV.  It just wasn't possible.

But it was.  

I saw her, for the first time in a decade, in Chicago in March.  We drank too much wine at dinner and talked non-stop about our families, our jobs and, of course, that big elephant in the room, our breast cancer.  By that point she also had bone mets and had begun weekly chemo in a clinical trial, which seemed to be working.  She told me that her doctors had given her a range of five to seven years to live.  We talked about what that felt like, especially with her youngest son still measuring his years in the single digits, her only daughter still very much needing a mother and her older boys just beginning adulthood.  I cried, but she did not.  She just knew she'd be the one to defy the odds.  But she also knew that she might not, and she was heartbroken at the thought of leaving her children.  I have awoken in a panic many a night to face those same fears--I don't fear dying; I fear leaving my snowflake.  But I have never had to face those fears as acutely as Betsy did.

To my mind, that Betsy should die so young, and in so much pain, can only be the work of a callous god.  But here's the thing--Elizabeth would disagree with that completely.  Through her battle, she held on to her family and her faith. If anything, it brought her closer to them.  No one could possibly die feeling more loved than Elizabeth did.  If there's any silver lining here at all, it's knowing how much, and by how many, she was loved.

I will forever regret that, relying on the false sense of security of those promised "five-to-seven-years," I did not rush to Chicago in her last days.  I knew things were bad, but it really never occurred to me that there wasn't--and now will never be--more time.  I hope Elizabeth will forgive me. Actually, I don't hope that, because I know she already has.  I just hope her family will forgive me, too.

So that's what happened at the end.  But it doesn't come close to explaining who Elizabeth was, what made her laugh, what flavor of ice cream she liked best, or what sort of weather made her happy.  It doesn't reveal the sharp glimmer of intelligence and the deep kindness in her eyes.  It doesn't tell you that she was an almost therapist-like listener, ready to advise but never to lecture.  It doesn't communicate how she made you want to be a better person.

I've known her as a history nerd, a frazzled working mother, and, in her latest incarnation, some sort of high-tech something or other that I really didn't understand.  I've known her to do some things she wasn't proud of, as we all do.  But unlike most of us, she acknowledged them, apologized and knew that tomorrow would be a better and sunnier day.

It doesn't seem right that I could be at the butterfly house, at the zoo, or on the Great Wheel of Seattle these past few days without knowing that Betsy was gone.  I thought about her a lot this week, actually.  But I have done so ever since her family started an update page on Facebook, so I can't claim any sort of ESP.  Should I have felt something--some frisson of insight--on Sunday night when she breathed her last?  

No.

Because you know what?

Betsy lives.

Réquiem ætérnam dona ei. Dómine; et lux perpétua lúceat ei. Requiéscat in pace. Amen.

Vomitare!

J, my Special Snowflake, has been sick. Well, not sick, exactly, just kind of chronically vomiting. About every two weeks for the past couple of months, she has woken up in the morning, vomited (mostly bile), slept a couple more hours and then been absolutely fine until the next incident. It doesn't mimic the symptoms of a bug, and none of the rest of us has been sick. It's more like she's pregnant or hungover, both of which seem frankly unlikely.

Last night it happened again, and since we happened to be co-sleeping, I got spattered. I left for Seattle early this morning, so G took her to the doctor today. (The guilt! But someone has to bring home the bacon.) Mind you, we had called the practice pretty much every time, and even took her to urgent care once, and were repeatedly told by various doctors-on-call that she was fine. 

But today, J was actually seen by her actual doctor. She passed an in-office neurological examination. She was then sent for an x-ray and some blood draws. G reported that the doctor said that it could be metabolic or neurological. And that was pretty much all he reported. I was all...did you ask WHAT disorders? What does the doctor think? Why would this be a neurological issue? Did you tell her X, Y and Z? And, last but certainly not least, is J going to die???

Me, not J

So I did what any modern, attached and cray cray concerned mother would do--I called the doctor. Who (and this is why I love her--she's my PCP as well)
called me back! Personally, not via her MA, and not in a rush. I answer the phone, and she says, "Kimberley, this is Kimberly." How do you not love her?

J's x-ray was fine and the lab tests that had been completed were normal. There were a couple more she had to send out that will take a couple of days. Bottom line--if the rest of the tests are negative, J will have a head scan (CT or MRI). Poor little monkey.

The doctor said not to worry now but she would be concerned if we had to go further. (She's always honest, but positive--did I mention I love her?) All I can say is, after the crap couple of years we've had, my baby had goddamn better well be fine. Dr. Capp is essentially diagnosing by elimination--abdominal migraine (I know, right?), seizure (atypical, maybe? I don't remember), the ominous "something more serious" or my favorite--just something she'll pass through.

On the other hand, maybe she simply likes to puke. Just like Daddy:

Of Vampires and Rings

Our "Twilight" tour was a big success.  I read the books (and saw the movies) only because C was reading them.  I have to confess that while the films are completely ridiculous, the books are not.  Stephenie Meyer is never going to win the National Book Award, but I do credit her with creating a richly imagined world whose characters have compelling back stories. In short, I enjoyed the "Twilight" series far more than I expected, and so I was quite willing to take C to Bella's hometown.


We took a gorgeous drive up 101.  The weather was sunny and warm, not exactly what we were expecting in the rainiest town in the contiguous 48 states.  We began by checking into our Twilight Room at the Pacific Inn Motel in Forks.  C was grinning in pure delight--a rare state for my normally reserved stepdaughter.  But wouldn't you be, too, if you could sleep here:

Or wash up with these:

We shopped for a while.  There is far more "Twilight" merchandise that I would have imagined.  Most of it was crap.  C is finally old enough to appreciate that you don't have to buy something just because you can.  In fact, she asked for nothing.  I bought a Christmas ornament, but only because I buy one wherever we go.  And yes, our tree is precisely as pretty as that sounds.


But I digress!  On to the tour.  First off, major props to Team Forks for a truly fun experience.  We were supposed to do the full-meal deal, which included a cookout in La Push, but we were the only people on the tour, so our guide downsized us to just the sights within Forks.  


So on this tour...well.  You drive around in a special bus decorated like the bedroom of a Twilight-crazed tween:

Randy was our guide, and he drove us, along with his life-size cut-outs of Bella, Edward and Jacob, all around town.  I should note that this was a book tour, as opposed to a movie tour (since they didn't actually film there).  So if things don't look like the movie, that's why.  

Here's C at the entrance to town with her three best friends:

And here are Edward and I relaxing on the porch of the B&B that would have been the Cullens' house if, you know, the movie had been filmed there:

Too bad I'm Team Jacob.


And here are the high school:

and the hospital:

and, of course, Bella's truck:

C laughed the entire time...worth every penny!


After the tour, C and I drove out to the Quileute Reservation in La Push, where we saw:


The Treaty Line:

Jacob's house, with his motorcycle chained to the mailbox:

and, last but not least, First Beach:

And so to bed.


In the morning we drove to Port Angeles, rafted on the Elwha River (C fell in and had to be rescued), visited Hurricane Ridge

and, finally, had dinner at  Bella Italia, where Edward and Bella had their first date:

I hate to say it, but the food wasn't very good, and the service was spotty.  They do have a great wine list, but since I had to drive home after dinner, I had a Coke.  Just like Bella did!


No good segue here, so...

I had been having some back and hip pain, and since it lasted more than two weeks, I called my oncologist.  He was not overly concerned but ordered a CT scan to check for mets.

Does the bed move through the ring, or vice versa?  You decide.

My sister had this test when she was first diagnosed. She warned me that the contrast dye, injected intravenously, would make me feel like I just wet my pants. Joel, my friendly neighborhood CT tech, confirmed this just before he stuck the needle in my arm. I was pretty excited. I can't explain why. But just think about what it would feel like if you wet your pants but knew that they were actually dry! Crazy, right?



Only it didn't.  It felt warm down there, but not wet.  More like when your laptop gets hot on your lap, except on the inside.  It was disappointing, not in a devastated way, but kind of like how I felt when I saw Nordstrom's so-called spiral escalator for the first time:

Cool, sure, but not a spiral.


Monday I got the results--negative.  So much happiness!  Since I was not scanned at the outset (it's not typically done when your nodes are negative), this is the first objective indication I have that the cancer has not spread.  So, yes, so much happiness!  


Almost makes up for the dry pants.

Redeeming My Cool Cred

OK, so I didn't learn all the cool pop songs (though I know more than I would have expected). And I haven't always been the model of patient step-parenting I want to be. But my shortcomings are about to be a thing of the past.

Because?  We are going on the Twilight Tour!

Just C and I.  Driving up to Forks.  Taking a tour that includes both Forks and a cookout at LaPush.  And then we'll be staying in one of the Twilight Rooms at the Pacific Inn.  Seriously, if you were a middle-school girl, can it get any better than this:

So many kinds of awesome!  But wait! The next day we'll drive to Port Angeles,do some hiking at the Olympic National Park and then, before heading home, we'll enjoy a (very) early dinner at Bella Italia, where Edward and Bella had their first date.

Jealous much?

Gaudeamus Igitur--Now with Llamas!

J had her "moving up" ceremony--moving up from pre-school to pre-K. She had no idea what it was about, other than that her class sang a couple of songs and then--more importantly--there were cupcakes.

I have to admit that, besides a twinge of "how quickly time is passing," I didn't get very emotional. Maybe because it wasn't very important.  Maybe because J didn't really know what it meant.  Or maybe because I am okay with her growing up.  The alternative is beyond contemplation.

The following weekend...more plays and parades!  Or, technically, one of each.   "If You Give a Mouse a Cookie" was excellent, prompting several belly laughs from J.  Silly, physical and endearing, with an awesome set--I never even dozed off, and that's big for me.  

After dinner with friends (thanks, Albert!), we headed over to the Starlight Parade.  And, you know what? It was all right but sort of disappointing. I'd only been once, more years ago than I care to think. I remember it as being cheeky and a bit risque. Or maybe that was the Pride Parade. Anyway, this was kind of commercialized. And sorely lacking in llamas. Astoria represented itself quite nicely:

J loved the whole sparkly mess.  Of course.  Almost as much as she loved her first pedicure.  Yes, I am that mother.  But I had to get mine done in preparation for a work week of open-toed shoes, and, really, what else was she supposed to do?  Read People magazine?  

The shameful part, the part that always fills me with guilt, is that I always feel vaguely distinctly imperialist in an Asian nail salon.  The same way, I guess, people feel when they hire a house cleaner.  Not that I would know what that feels like.

And then, a week later, came another parade, the Rose Festival Grand Floral Parade.  WITH llamas!  

And with not one, but two (by my count) non-white Royal Rosarians. Who says Portland isn't making progress?

I have always thought they looked like ice-cream men, but since this is now slang for dope dealers, I need a new analogy. I wish Sinclair Lewis had known about them, because they are the essence of Babbitt boosterism. Sometimes Portland is very small town.

C flew in that same day.  Since Father's Day was a week away, I took her over to Pioneer Place.  We went into Eddie Bauer because G needed new shirts.  We decided we would get the ugliest shirt on the clearance rack.  Our goal?  To see if he would wear what he would have to know was a really ugly shirt solely because C picked it out for him.  We ended up settling for the second ugliest, since the really, truly ugliest one didn't come in G's size.  I wish I could find a picture, but Eddie Bauer is apparently too embarrassed to put it on the website.  I'm not home this week, so I can't just go into the closet and take a snap.  Think orange. Think plaid.  Think really, really ugly.  Muy feo!  We even asked a couple saleswomen if they thought it was ugly.  They are very well trained, because they both said, with completely straight faces, "No!  That's a nice shirt!"  Then we told them what we were doing. They laughed and said we had probably made the right choice.  Since all their other merchandise was, you know, much prettier.

Good times.  We also like to go to Dollar Tree and ask the workers how much various items cost. Or to mix it up, one of us might hold up a tube of toothpaste or a puzzle and say, "I only have a dollar.  Do I have enough money?"

No, we haven't been banned.

Yet.

And yes, G loved (!) the shirt.  Because he loves C.  Oh, and we also made him angel food cake, which, at J's request, I dyed bright blue.  We've been dyeing her milk for a year now.  She seems to think adding color changes the taste.  That's my special snowflake!  The cake was scrumptious (thanks, Cook's Illustrated), but it was definitely BLUE.  And that actually adds some credence to J's colored-milk theory.  When eating a piece of blue cake--the exact same color as the sponge on the kitchen sink--your mind tricks you into thinking it will taste like something different.  Sort of disappointing that it didn't, actually, but I didn't want to eat a sponge.  More like when you think you have a glass of Coke and it turns out to be Dr. Pepper. I wish I had taken a picture. C and J frosted it. So it was blue all the way through, with white frosting and LOTS of sprinkles. YUCK YUM!!!

Oh...and I didn't have time for a crash course in tween culture.  So I will be the dork stepmother for another long summer.  What else is new?

Just Not Quite as Popular as Me

I don't do it often, but I have been known to walk out of a movie now and again.  A short list:

• "As Good as It Gets"--did not distract me AT ALL from the upcoming California bar exam.
• "The Mirror Has Two Faces"--Can Barbra be any more vain?
• "Baby Mama"--Only saw that to get out of the house during maternity leave.  J nursed throughout; I cringed and bolted.
• "The Artist"  Actually, that was a mental walkout.  I stayed because it was at the Columbian and I wasn't done with my IPA.

I should point out that this list does NOT include many, many children's movies I would have walked out of but for my shorties.  I'm talking to you, "The Lorax." You, too, "Chipwrecked."

To that list, I can now add "The Avengers."  I only watched the first hour, so maybe the second hour tied it together, but this is a movie without any real plot.  A fine exemplar of pop culture, it involves a bunch of superheroes and Norse gods (or maybe a god and a jotunn) brought together, as far as I can tell, to continue their branding and maybe sell some Happy Meals along the way. There were lots of references to their previous movies, none of which I had seen, but that didn't impair my understanding. The actors seemed to be phoning in their roles, or maybe they were mentally spending their paychecks.  Just an all-around waste of money, time and resources.  

WTF?

Which is fine, if you like that kind of thing. 

Of course, this isn't really my kind of movie.  I'm not highbrow in my cinematic taste, but I am not big on adventure films.  So why was I there?  Honestly, because I was craving Sour Patch Kids and movie-theater popcorn.  Once I had slaked that desire, I was free to leave the theater.  And so I did.

Oh, and also? Captain America has a mighty fine ass.  Just saying.

Yummy!

On to other things. 

The Fab Five

It's May, so I am actively engaged in cramming playing pop radio to hide my un-cool, super-embarrassing, over-40-ness when C comes for the summer.  Of course I know "We Are Young," "What Makes You Beautiful" and "Part of Me."  Who doesn't?  I'm hip! I'm the coolest step-MILF evah, right?  Right!

But it's hard for me.  Save for my first couple of years of college, I've never really known the cool songs.  In high school, I had my showtunes.  At U of I, the amazing LeighAnn introduced me to alternative music (New Trier/John Hughes version).  It all went downhill after graduation.  And now?  I get no help at home, either, since G is stuck in the 80s.  Big Head Todd--really?  

So when C comes, I have to fake it.  I wish I had Sirius or XM in the car so I could figure out who was singing and what the name of the song was.  It seems to me that DJs used to announce that, but they don't anymore.  So I have to go home and Google a couple of lyrics.  And so I learned that Rihanna--sweet Rihanna of "Under My Umbrella" fame--now sings (in the classic "S&M") that "chains and whips excite" her.  Not really where I want my 11-year-old to go, you know?  And that song is 2 years old.  See how out of touch I am?

But there is one place even I won't go.

I'm talking to you, Maroon 5.

You're no Mick Jagger.

How do I hate you?  Let me count the ways.  Oops!  Infinity already!  My dislike isn't founded on anything objective.  I'm just a Maroon 5 hater.  And hater gonna hate, KWIM?  It's my job.

Which brings me to My Little Pony.

I repeat, WTF?

Taking pop culture down to the pre-school set, why do four-year olds love these things?  Can it really be that soothing to brush and braid some pony ass hair?  Yes, they smell good (in a Glade air freshener kind of way), and yes, they have magnetic feet so you can hang them off the refrigerator in death-defying poses.  (Ask me how I know.)  If there's more to it than that, it's a mystery to me.

Edited December 2012--turns out, only the old ponies (of which we have far too many thanks to C's bestie, M) are scented and magnetic.  Christmas brought us some updated ponies.  No smell!  No magnets! I'm old-school Pony all the way.

So, yes, I hate My Little Pony, too.  Almost as much as I hate Strawberry Shortcake.

Bitch makes my teeth hurt.

And don't get me started on Mr. Noodle.

Once more, with feeling...WTF?

However.  My feelings about ponies, berries and pedophiles pale in comparison to my hatred for those fuzzy, hillbilly-esque, goody-two-shoes known as The Berenstain Bears.

Do kids really like books about how

• Junk food is bad
• Too much TV is bad
• Bad grades are bad
• Bullying is bad
• Lying is bad

On a positive note, praying appears to be good.

These are probably the only books of C's that I did not save for J. They make my skin crawl. Too many morals, too many lessons. I try to teach my girls that, sometimes, it's good to be bad. Or at least it's not the end of the world if you are. They sleep easy knowing that I will never commit their exploits to insipid, mass-marketed paperbacks or TV shows. And, yes, it is ironic that these bears have their own TV show.

J's favorite book?  This week anyway...

My favorite book when I was four?

I guess my lack of cool started early.  I've had years decades to manufacture the hot mess of dorkiness that I am today.  But my mission, which I choose to accept, is to reverse that in 17 short days.  Join me!

Si, se puede!

Thank you, Mr. President.  
Thank you for saying what I know you've long believed.  
Thank you for helping to ensure basic rights for millions of decent men and women.
Thank you, from my future self, that I won't have to tell J, if she turns out gay, that she can't marry her true love because no one would take a stand.
And thank you most of all for having the courage to tell the Christian Right to go fuck themselves, and that they and their god don't get to change the "self-evident" fact that "all men [and women] are created equal."
I know this wasn't an easy choice for your politically, but at least you can take comfort in being on the right side of history.


Sincerely,
Secunda


PS...I pretty much love you.  XOXO

In the Weeds

We've lived in our house for more than five years--this will be our sixth summer here--and I finally planted flowers.  Yes, partly I am lazy, but let's see...first summer, pregnant; second summer, new baby; third, fourth and fifth...crickets chirping.


I had no idea how complicated this process was.  First, I had to weed the beds. Then J and I went to Home Depot to pick out the flowers.  She had some definite opinions:  "Pink!  Lots of pink!  Everyone knows I love pink! And yellow! And purple, because that's YOUR favorite, Mama!"  


Indeed. 


We had to go back the next day with my husband because J and I couldn't lift the 50-pound bags of compost.  Then I had to spread the compost and plant the flowers.  All my lovely design plans went to hell in a hand basket because J decided that all the pink flowers should be together, because they're friends, and all the purples should go together because they're friends, and all the yellow should go together because they're her flowers.  And then she poured about 50 sunflower seeds into a six-inch hole.


I think this is going to be one of my better home denigration improvement projects.  At least we still have the view.

My Amazing Scientific Discovery

Who would have thought that a hillbilly tramp stamp would be the cure for what ails me?  I?  Am a genius!


I pulled weeds in the backyard for four hours on Sunday afternoon, when it was unusually warm and sunny for the Oregon coast.  As always, I slathered on J's SPF 60 sunscreen, and I wore long sleeves, long pants and a hat.  I didn't think to cover the area under my clothes.  Which I should have, because like many of my newly too-small clothes, my shirt did not stay put.  So I now have a truly evil sunburn right where I should would rather have a tramp stamp. And it hurts.  Like hell.  Though probably less than this did:

I have a shoebox full of leftover opiate-based drugs at home, as well as any number of other fanciful pharmaceuticals.  But I am not at home, and, alas, you cannot procure Oxycontin at the airport anymore, what with the sniffing dogs and all.  You can, however, buy Tylenol.  And it even comes with this super cute folded paper cup!  For free!  The cup was free, I mean. The Tylenol was crazy-spendy.

It was basically useless on the sunburn, but it did wonders for my letrozole-induced leg and knee pain.  Who knew?  OK, my oncologist did tell me I could take acetaminophen, but I forgot that almost as soon as he said it.  I just don't have the pain-reliever mindset.  I mean, I almost never get headaches, but when I do, I walk around all day like, wow, bummer headache, dude.  And it never crosses my mind to do anything like take an aspirin.  I have been drowning in pain for almost a year and now...wow!  If I had figured this out a couple of weeks ago, I probably would never have written my last post (props to anyone who sensed the depression/desperation).  So I took another Tylenol today.  And yeah!  The pain tremendously diminished, although it's still there, and clearly I can't take this stuff every single day for the next four years, but it's so very nice to know it's there when I need it.

I'll take one of these, please:

Wild Abandon

Three car "incidents" in 15 days.  You say accident, I say incident.  Semantics!

BEFORE

(No "after" picture because I don't know where my camera is.)

I'm just an idiot?  I'm just distracted? I'm just a menace?  I just don't know.

Next topic.

J and I went to Portland to take Uncle C and Aunt J out for brunch to celebrate UC's birthday, which I spaced out last week.  (I am sensing a theme.)  We had a lovely meal at Wild Abandon in Southeast, and then J and I saw a puppet-show version of "Stellaluna."  She liked it well enough; I was bored, distracted, hot flashing and wishing I hadn't spent the money.  And I have concluded that puppeteers are their own special breed.

And the name for that breed is "creepily and aggressively enthusiastic."  I don't deny their obvious talent.  I just think they are a little...much.

There's really no logical segue to the other thing that's been weighing on my mind lately:

Cancer.  

Or more specifically, the aftermath of cancer.

In the last 18 months, I:

• Found a lump (September 2010)
• Had a negative mammogram and ultrasound (9/29/10)
• Had a lumpectomy (10/19/10)
• Was diagnosed with ER+ breast cancer (10/27/10)
• Had a positive MRI with an enlarged lymph node (2 actually)
• Had a core needle biopsy of an enlarged lymph node (11/12/10)--negative, so I got to avoid the full axial dissection
• Had a sentinel node biopsy (negative!) and a port placed (11/16/10)
• Had chemotherapy (11/23/10, 12/14/10, 1/3/11 and 1/24/11)
• Had a bilateral mastectomy (2/18/11)
• Started aromatase inhibitors (3/1/11)
• Had my ovaries, tubes and uterus removed (4/28/11)
• Had my implant exchange (8/18/11)
• Had nipple reconstruction, with areolae made from abdominal skin grafts, and fat grafting (12/8/11)  

The only thing I have left is the nipple tattoos.  And the rest of my life.

My health is good, as far as I know, and I only hope that I am not jinxing it by writing that here.  But cancer never really goes away, at least psychologically speaking.  If you are very lucky and your cancer doesn't come back, you are in remission.  That means it can still come back any time, though the risk does decrease over time.  And if it does come back, in my case (since I have no more breast tissue) it's almost certainly going to be metastatic, and that's incurable.  Some nights it keeps me up; some days, thinking about it causes car incidents.  

I used to be afraid of death, and I used to want to live forever.  Now I am accepting of death, though I will fight hard if I have to.  All I want now is enough time to raise J into the woman she will be.  And to be there for her when she faces her own risks and fears.  And, hell, while I'm at it, to dance at her wedding and see my grandchildren.  Each day farther from the paralyzing terror of diagnosis, I want to live just a little longer.  Tempting fate? Ordinary hubris?  Or just a healthy recovery?

The thought of recurrence is scary.  I think of it every time I stand up and my knees and ankles cry in protest from the AI.  I think of it every time I get on the scale, for being heavy increases your risk.  I think of it every time I pour a glass of wine, for drinking increases your risk.  The only thing that doesn't increase risk, as far as I can deduce, is smoking, the one vice I have never had.

When I lie in bed at night, I think of all I have lost, and it goes well beyond hair and body parts. I have lost my innocence, my sense of "it can't happen to me." I have lost my place in the universe.  I have gained a new one, of course, but it's a different place on a distant shore.  Cancer has been bad for my marriage, bad for my family, bad for just about everything.  But I am alive, and to borrow a line from John Irving, cancer can't "get the me in me."