Hey, Britney—
Since you’re only 29, I don’t know how much experience you
have dating men over 50. I’m sure you’re a lovely girl, so I just want to steer
you in the right direction. Maybe you and my husband are a match made in May-December heaven. If so, this advice can
only help that match burn brighter!
1. Don’t get cancer! That one should be
pretty easy for you, at least for several more years. He will have an affair
while you are going through chemo. He will physically recoil when you touch him
the night before your mastectomy, when you are trying to feel normal one last
time. He also won’t be able to get it
up. (See below.) Just when you are feeling at your most vulnerable (and bald!),
he will confess that he has met his soul mate (something he had previously told
you he didn’t believe existed) and that he is in love with her in a way he
never was with you. But even if that happens, don’t worry! She will move away
when her husband is transferred. And you kind of benefited from her existence—she was his first
taste (that I know of, anyway) of age-inappropriate women he met at work—same place he met you!—so he
already knew how to seduce a much younger co-worker. Did I mention she was your age? Bonus tip—don’t get any older!
2. Don’t gain weight! Even if it’s as a
result of bearing his child, then getting your ovaries out so you don’t get
ovarian cancer on top of breast cancer, then being depressed because he was
sleeping with some chick at work (see above). Gaining weight means “you’re a fat,
lazy fuck” who should not be blaming him for his extra-marital activity! I was
thinner than you when I was your age (and bustier!), so don’t take this one for
granted.
3. Don’t be concerned that he’s drinking too
much! Alcoholism, functional or otherwise, is a longstanding tradition is his
family. And while he can be super romantic and affectionate when he’s drinking,
he can also turn into the meanest drunk you ever saw in the blink of any eye. I
didn’t experience that until after I married him, but it was quite the revelation!.
The other fun thing he does when he’s drunk is berate you and make you feel
like a worthless pile of crap. Then when you push back, he storms out of the
house leaving you alone with a crying and terrified child. No problem—he’ll usually come back in a day
or two! And you know he’s not with his
girlfriend, because she has a husband at home—well, unless he’s at sea. Anyway,
since he doesn’t really have any friends, you can assume he’s in a hotel. You can verify that by looking at your credit
card account on line. Oh, he MAY come home at 5 AM with a big gash on his
forehead from falling in the parking lot of the Dirty D, and losing his glasses
to boot, but you know, boys will be boys! If you want to be the cool
girlfriend, just roll your eyes and get him a bit of the hair of the dog.
4. Don’t worry that he’s still hung up on
his first wife! She’s crazy, and she’s 1200 miles away; she can’t hurt you. Ha,
ha, yes she can! The good news is, it’s easy to tell when he’s obsessing over
her—he can’t get it up (see above) and he will shut you out entirely while he
plunges into a deep, multi-day funk. She’s a bitch, to be honest, but she has
her claws in him and together they LOVE drama. She’ll become like your very own
ex-wife. Maybe she’ll even stalk you for a bit—she did me! She cheated on him,
and he begged and begged her to come back. It hurt him so much that he promised
that the one think I would never have to worry about was him cheating on me.
In retrospect, so cute to think that was true! Don’t worry, I’m sure he will be
completely faithful to you. I’m sorry, I have to stop typing now, I am laughing
so hard.
5. Don’t fuck with J or C. That is all.
So, Britney, I really hope these tips help you understand my
husband. He has mentioned the part where
he’s still married, right? If not, I’m sure that’s just an oversight! One can
get so confused about that sort of thing, especially as one ages. I’m sure
he’ll keep taking you away for romantic weekends and spending money on
you—while he has it. Remember, I can and do check
those credit card receipts! Just because he never did those things for me—for
fear of upsetting his actual ex-wife, well, that doesn’t mean you
don’t deserve them. He does burn through his money, though. I’m sure your love
is deep and true enough to withstand whatever happens when he runs out of cash,
and you realize he’s over 50, has two kids, two (sort of) ex-wives, a crap job,
an older car and doesn’t own his own home. I’m cheering for you crazy kids. Now
get out of here and go love my man!
Love,
Secunda
